On Tuesday, January 31st Ryan Adams plays the Peabody, while Rhett Miller and his Old 97's play The Pageant across town: we asked you to pit them against each other to win tickets to your favorite act, and your entries were a TKO, to be sure.
When the bell went off, it was hard to find a clear winner for each! From references to The Departed, Mandy Moore insults, to "Over The Top" Stallone arm-wrestling-and-DragonBall Z combos, your comments were clever, bizarre, inspired and even eerily thought out.
Let's start with a few Honorable Mentions...these are worth some KDHX swag in my book because, well, we laughed at them:
DS said: "Old fashion tickle fight after being forced to consume half a gallon of milk, first one who pees their pantalooms looses and is forever exiled from performing within 50 miles of the city limits."
The visual of this alone...terrifying. And, come on, everyone knows and OLD FASHIONED tickle fight doesn't involve a half gallon of milk, but rather a full gallon of Tang. You must be thinking of a post-modern tickle fight, but we'll let you off this time.
Roger Moore (yes, THAT Roger Moore. James Bond loves KDHX) said: "Middle-school girl-style slap fight. Mandy Moore tries to jump in, gets restrained by Murray, and Rhett wins after landing one good right, knocking Ryan's glasses off, thereby rendering him fightblind, and allowing Rhett to viciously and repeatedly slap him like Marshall slaps Barney. Tears follow."
We love that the "girl-style slap fight" contains at least one hard right hook. That's dirty pool!
Now for the winners. I'm gonna encourage you to just click on the original article and read them in the comments section because....they're massive. And brilliant.
Our first winner, who will win two tickets to the Ryan Adams show, is Colin Suchland and his staggering scripted opus detailing the fight, incorporating nearly 40 actual song titles into the brouhaha. I mean...wow. Here's a taste.
MILLER: Well I’m a TIMEBOMB, Ryan, and I have just one QUESTION for you: Do you prefer MURDER OR A HEART ATTACK?
ADAMS: (under his breath): NOTE TO SELF: DON’T DIE
MILLER: The CURTIN CALLS, Ryan. I’ll send you back to BLOOMINGTON in a box.
[Grunts and scuffling as the two men begin to fight. The crowd eggs them on.]
ADAMS: Fists DON’T FAIL ME NOW!
MILLER: I’ll give you a taste of MY TWO FEET, pretty-boy!
[More grunting and a bottle breaks on the pavement]
UNKNOWN how to write a essay MAN IN CROWD: It’s a SHAKEDOWN ON NINTH STREET, wee-haw!
ADAMS (to crowd): Can it, MOCKINGBIRD, this is between me and Dallas Dimwit here!
There are no words. Bra-vo.
Our second winner will win two tickets to the Old 97s show, and has also won two tickets to our hearts with one of the most faithfully reconstructed parodies of The Princess Bride's poison-drinking scene ever written. How Paul L. took such a silly contest concept and squeezed out this diamond in about a day is a feat among feats.
As you wish, Paul L. As you wish. You sir, are the one with the dizzying intellect.
You know what? I'm posting this entire thing. This is in my personal Hall of Fame of favorite things ever. Enjoy, and thanks to everyone who entered! You're the best people I've ever encountered in all of my Internet browsing history, and I thank you for indulging our silliness for the chance to see some live music. Stay tuned for more contests this month. As always, you'll hear about them on Facebook and Twitter first.
Rhett Miller and Ryan Adams meet in a remote field. The two men face each other with steel guitar stares. Next to Ryan Adams is an envelope marked “KDHX Ticket Giveaway” written in Roy Kasten’s sharpie scribbled penmanship.Rhett Miller: I challenge you to a battle of alt-country street cred.
Ryan Adams: For the tickets from KDHX?
Ryan: To the death?
Ryan: I accept!
[Rhett instructs Ryan to look away while he opens two bottles of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer – in one of the bottles he pours another liquid – poison! - from a small, dark vial labeled “Wreck Your Life”]
Rhett: Where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right, who gets the tickets... and who is dead.
Ryan: But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you: are you the sort of man who would play lead in a band and have a successful career with a modest amount of lyrical output or would you record every single song you can and then release a cd seemingly every six months? Now, a clever man would start out in a band with, say, Caitlin Cary and be phenomenal, because he would know that only a great fool would eventually be so egocentric as to cover “Wonderwall” without a hint of irony. I am not a great fool, and I used to have sex with Beth Orton, so I can clearly not choose the beer in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool, seeing as how I did write “La Cienga Just Smiled,” you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the suds in front of me.
Rhett: You've made your decision then?
Ryan: Not remotely. Because your band comes from Texas, as everyone knows, and Texas is entirely peopled with singer song-writers, and singer song-writers are used to having people not listen to them during concerts, as you are, at the core, a singer song-writer who fronts a band, I can clearly not choose the beer in front of you.
Rhett: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.
Ryan: Wait till I get going! Is the tape rolling? This is going to make a great B-sides 3 cd box set compilation. Now, where was I?
Ryan: Yes, the Lone Star State. Austin, to be specific! And you must have suspected I would have known your band’s origin, so I can clearly not choose the beer in front of me.
Rhett: You know, I listened to “Demolition” once. So I know you're just stalling now.
Ryan: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? You've listened to my records, which means you can be exceptionally melancholy, so you could've put the poison in your own goblet, trusting on your “No Depression” back issues to save you, so I can clearly not choose the beer in front of you. But, you've also listened to “Love Is Hell,” which means you must have been either heartbroken or had addiction issues, and through those experience, plus maybe also having “Heartbreaker” on vinyl, you must have learned that man is mortal, so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the bottle of beer in front of me.
Rhett: You're trying to trick me into giving away something. Or at least get me to admit that maybe “Hit By A Train” was perhaps a little too soon in my career to release a ‘best of’ cd. It won't work.
Ryan: IT HAS WORKED! YOU'VE GIVEN EVERYTHING AWAY! IT’S AS SIMPLE AS EVERY THREE CHORD SONG YOU HAVE EVER RECORDED! I KNOW WHERE THE POISON BEER IS!
Rhett: Then make your choice. So long as that choice isn’t a ‘deep cut’ of the “Cold Roses” disc…
Ryan: I will, and I choose - What in the world can that be? Isn’t that Willie effing Nelson?!?
[Ryan gestures up and away from the table. Rhett looks. Ryan swaps the beer bottles]
Rhett: What? Where? I don't see anything.
Ryan: Well, I- I could have sworn I saw someone. No matter. Could’ve been Norah Jones for all you know! First, let's drink. Me from my beer, and you from yours.
[Ryan and the Rhett drink]
Rhett: You guessed wrong. And you do know I have four solo albums, right?
Ryan: You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched beers when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders - The most famous of which is "Never shout out for Summer of 69 at one of my concerts" - but only slightly less well-known is this: "Never go against a South Carolinian who did a CMT special with Elton John when death is on the line"! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha...
[Ryan stops suddenly, his smile frozen on his face and falls to the ground dead]
Rhett: They were both poisoned. I spent the last few years building up an immunity to the genre label “alt-country.” I’m truly sorry, Ryan. “Ashes and Fire” was a really good record. But let’s face it: My songs have been played all over television and I had a cameo in a Vince Vaughn movie. Now, on to the Pageant on Tuesday night!
Have fun at the show! You both earned it.